Everybody’s new favorite sassy hashtag for everything from farting to posting photographs of extreme public displays of affection: #sorrynotsorry; Pantene Pro-V’s new favorite way to lure women to shiny hair and sitting up straight in their dresses; And everyone’s new favorite way to apply feminism- pointing out another flaw in womankind- great, so excited to identify yet another chink in my collective identity as a woman… I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry…
I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry… I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry… What?! It feels good right? It feels good to say something liberating, like being in on a universally sassy joke between feminists… You want a simple way to acknowledge that you are indeed a woman making space for herself in the year 2015; like all this time you’ve been struggling for something clever to show that you’re a part of the in crowd- the one that doesn’t believe that women should be making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at six-thirty in their morning while their husbands are fantasizing about their mistresses in the shower. However- this joke, this snappy prize of lackluster feminists: it detracts from the truth, doesn’t it? I mean, fact is, you’re still saying sorry- SORRY, not sorry.
You might be saying, “that’s just semantics, get over yourself!” Except, real feminists know we haven’t really won until we’ve found a way to shift a paradigm to address most of the origins of its present day iteration- which means, we must take a moment to address the current state of affairs with apologies. Sorry? No I’m not sorry. Not sorry to re-examine an element of American culture that we may or may not need more of- to be determined upon dissection.
When is “I’m sorry” a Problem?
–The Goldilocks Apology Syndrome: Overusing the words I’m sorry. Nobody likes their porridge seasoned with an unpalatable serving of regret. Nobody likes a negative Nancy (or Norman) injecting their insecurities into the fabric of a community. Mistakes are okay. It’s a problem though when you over-apologize (duhhhh). It’s even worse when you’re like Goldilocks and you can’t catch yourself apologizing too much or too little (or eating too much porridge or too little porridge then falling into a food coma in a bear’s house?).
-Litmus Testing in Relationships: I don’t think there’s an actual number of thumb (can I say that? Whatever, I’m saying it… See I don’t have to apologize!) for how many times you should or shouldn’t be saying sorry in a relationship, but I’m going to say three- yes, three apologies a day (one for your bad breath in the morning, another for a serious issue you may need to apologize for, and one at night post-burrito) is what I’m going to say… If you’re apologizing more than three times a day to your partner, friend, or co-worker, you need to re-examine the framework of your relationship. Is this person allowing you to be yourself? Are you the right person to be loving/working with this human? Is this relationship too acidic for your well being? Remember, we have to give others permission to diminish who we are.
-When Asking for Permission: Apologies aren’t meant for asking permission. Apologies are in most senses seeking to some sort of validation of the fact that you misbehaved. Don’t use the words “I’m sorry” to set the stage for you to misbehave. I used to have a co-worker who’d say, “I’m sorry, but I really have to tell you something that I know I shouldn’t tell you, and someone made me swear not to tell you…” And on and on went his manipulative plea to ruin my day. Don’t be that person. If you’re someone who truly believes in enacting change, you commit to action, and have the courage to deal with the fallout.
Shifting “the Paradigm”
If we know anything to be true, it’s that liberty doesn’t come through reaction. True liberty comes from deliberation, planning, and intentional action. So after this dissection, what kind of actions could we take to shift a paradigm that seems to need shifting?
- Set your own moral code and find comfort in your own sense of consistency. People come to expect a certain integrity from the people around them. If an apology comes from a truly authentic place, you can learn a lot about the apologizer and how they accept others into their own code of ethics.
- Don’t be afraid to lead by following. Mistakes are how you learn. If you’ve seriously messed up in a community or in a relationship, recognize that you can only become the leader of your life or love after you’ve learned what you can do and what you’re made of. Mistakes are essentially formative. Enjoy the flubbing if you can.
- Do not say you’re sorry as a way to control a situation. You might want to make sure you put everyone off your case about something, but making a pre-emptive apology might cut you off from some of the most valuable feedback you could ever receive.
- Pause-relax-open. Take three breaths, gather your bearings, and examine at least five elements of the situation you’re about to apologize for. If you need to, ask yourself the following questions, ask them: What just happened? How might person x and person y have experienced such a situation? Do I feel sorry? Should I feel sorry? What energy would apologizing create in this moment?
- Don’t apologize just for the sentiment- apologize for the behavior! You are not your behavior, just as the words “I’m sorry” are not a cure all for all uncomfortable situations. When you apologize, know, above all, what you’re apologizing for and mean it from yourself then see how your apology lands.